August 20, 2009 § 1 Comment
Thursday seems to be a pretty irregular day to write a blog. But let’s not get into that, considering there’s been no wordfall here in the last couple of months. I calculated I’ve been writing consistently at intervals of 75 days. But there’s definitely one truth I would like to share with you – I’m most honest (with words or wisdom) when I’m sick. Have you figured the rest of this post shall be equally menacingly headless meaningless?
So I’m down with major flu right now. Took an off from work and it got so incredibly bland and difficult to not do anything that I’m here.
One thing I’ve been telling almost everyone I meet these days is that our jobs make us sad people. That, when I’m one of the very few workers who love what they do. I’ve changed since I started working. Tremendously. And it has cost me dearly on a personal level, while I’ve only grown happier on the material level. I used to be a most sensitive friend, boyfriend, son, brother, kin and all the rest. It has taken a definite beating. When I saw I could be a perfectionist on the work front, I let go of the obsessive desire to keep every part of the rest of my life in good shape. It sounds terrible as I write it and read it and hear it in my ears. But truth must be told. Even to self.
I stay in what could easily be the most peaceful location for a room in an apartment in this city. I’ve spent endless hours in my balcony that stretches to give a panoramic view of about 180 degrees of South Delhi, with beer in one hand and uncertainty that I’ve tended to clutch in the other. A decent number of women have come and admired the view and collectively the person who it belongs to now. I can recount almost no weekends when there’s not been a friend or two to drink with. I look at it as some sort of a calming influence after six mad days at work. My social circle has by all means expanded like crazy once I got into the job, but the time I spent with no body by my side has grown inversely to that number. I’ve met a lot of interesting people in the last few months, but few who I’ve come to really respect. Somehow finding faults with people has only gotten easier. And so has accepting them as they are. The manner in which I understood humanity has turned itself on its head. I remember I was a fairly closed person earlier. I hope some friends have known this. These days while my perspective has undergone a sea change, and by virtue of that I should be able to judge more wisely, I don’t. I let things happen. To me. If there’s a concept of living every day, I practice it now. I’m not averse to change of any kind. I assumed I can always go back to being what I was. Unfortunately, that time has never come. I’m only sinking deep into the shit of life and its ways.
As long as you were in college, it was pretty straightforward to not worry about the future. There was a set timeline when you knew things would happen on their own. Once out of that routine, time loses its significance. You know every day that you’re not inching closer to any deadline. The maximum you would do is remember how soon the year is coming to and end, or how long since the time you kissed a girl. Everything else ceases to exist. You don’t worry if you’re getting old. Or if your parents are. Because you were just thrown onto a mechanical belt that shall henceforth carry you through different stages of a process you will never figure. You are expected to obey and just do things, not worrying about what and where and when.
This is also the time when you derive a lot of useful information from things and people and events around you. Suddenly you will start to notice where your peers have reached on the ladder of life, and what struggles you must now do to keep up. The sheer magnitude of ways and means you could move ahead in life can drive you crazy. How many of us have been blessed with the vision to weigh and anticipate all options and choose the best?
Anyhow, the pills have worked on me undeniably. That’s the saddest I’ve been in like a long time! I shall write again soon. I promise. This time, I hope it’s not another 75 days.
Time for some adrak chai now.
May 26, 2009 § 3 Comments
Reproducing word for word an email I received this evening:
I am a single girl searching for my soul mate, after reading a little about you whlie i was surfing the net, i became interested in you So please give me the chance to introduce myself to you.
My names are Rose Jasmine Awa i am 23 yrs old , i came from Liberia in Africa. I am the only daughter of Dr Wilson Awa. my late father was the director of ‘AWA INDUSTRIAL COMPANY LIMITED’ (AICL) before his death from the war going on in my country .It was on one early morning attack to my family killing both my parents on a cold blood as i am the only one left. i flew to a near by country Dakar Senegal where we are staying now as a refugee. I am doing my second year in nursing school before the incident occured.
Please kindly contact me with this my private email address so that i can send my pictures to you for further introductions. I will also want to know your likes and dislikes. I will tell you more about me in my next mail.
Awaiting to hear from you very soon, God bless you
February 21, 2009 § 4 Comments
- I had a draft from last weekend discarded today thanks to lost relevance as the week happened. It was an astonishingly depressing read. I’m happy things change pretty quickly.
- I just had strawberries. For someone who is hippo lazy with eating, let alone buying fruits for his constant bi-dimensional self, this was a real treat.
- I’ve literally been living off beer and eggs for the last couple of weeks now.
- I’ve become very particular about reconnecting with old friends and making new ones lately. That front sees good progress.
- I’m much more of a geek now.
- My job is one of the most enjoyable things I’ve done in my conscious life. As it turns out, I’m surprisingly good at what I was hired for. Pray this lasts long.
- I got my ID done the day before. I’m so glad that I can avoid those distasteful grins from the lady at the reception who it seems finds it thoroughly satisfying for a day’s work on the job to open the doors for me. I know I’m generally smiling all the time but for the first time ever I feel this capacity is being taken undue advantage of.
- The official addressing phrase used for me in the office is ‘Sir’. Believe me, the recession hasn’t hit me.
- Tequila is good for even the seasoned ones. And I narrowly missed seeing someone cry yet again after a Thank God it Is Friday drinking last evening.
- Delhi 6 sucks. The drinking mentioned above was the natural effect of having hurt our feelings as we dragged through the monstrously disastrous storyline about raamleelas and kaale bandars and communalism and unmarried beautiful girls. High quality shit. Thanks to Sonam Kapoor’s well-aligned teeth and oh-so Simone Singh-y arms and the company of some very interesting people that I survived after a sleepless night the day before.
- I’m excited to move in to my apartment. I think it happens the coming weekend. Primarily I’m fantasizing about keeping a stockpile of beer cans in the refrigerator and hence lots of crazy parties. Someone suggested a housewarming. If you’re in Delhi, sign up in the comments section.
- I plan to keep a wish list. For all the bankers and consultants I have for friends and everyone else who loves me.
- I need to apply for a credit card. If you know any pesky callers, please forward my number. I realize I should have not registered on the DND registry everywhere.
- I’m tweeting since the last week @nitinsgr. If you are on Twitter, regardless of how interesting you are, kindly let me know how to find you. Facebook and this might actually kill my blog.
- I’ve loosened up a little on my financial strings. On the outset, I hope to drive most of it down the kitchens of some fine places to eat around the city.
- I’m looking forward to a lot of things/events this year. One of them being having more of my IIT friends joining me here in Delhi.
- eM has a boyfriend now. Regular.
- The bloggers I know have lost faith in writing.
- I was told a guy from our batch from a different hostel is a father now and looking for a job. IITians are a funny bunch.
- I need to salsa. Start by taking classes. Two things – partner and motivation.
- ISD must get cheaper now. Some people last a month in what it costs me a minute.
- New Friends Colony market is visited by some of the hottest (not pretty nor charming but plain hot) girls in Delhi.
It’s time to sleep.
February 13, 2009 § 1 Comment
- Ask a silly question
- Lie of omission
- Math text
- I never
- Rabi’s question answered
- Blind date
- An elegant weapon
- Best friends
- Family reunion
- All good things
- You’re not as cool as you think
- Hotel California (Awesome)
- The purposeful life
- Gift horse
- Holiday tradition
- Father knows best
- Lie of omission part 2
- The secret lives of photons
- At the zoo
January 1, 2009 § 6 Comments
Happy New Year all.
Having said that, and to some of you personally on sms, I realized how terribly useless some of us find to wish each other on days like this. I myself have never been quite a wisher in the sense of it as such. I remember when I got my first cellphone when I went to college (DCE, before IIT happened and then life would never be the same again), the number that I kept for four-plus years, and that super classy Nokia 3310 that lives with Mom now. The phone made me real popular, thanks to that game of snakes that was such a fun reason to spend hours in my furnished room as I grappled with my JEE books, trying to look focused and force people into shameful exit. Back then receiving a call cost you 7 bucks a minute, and making one about 10 I think. The latter is still pretty much the same for the overwhelming majority of calls made from my phone, but anyway. In those days, 4-5 years I’m talking about basically, I used to send perhaps three of four smses, and that was all the happiness I could spread at the cost of my own on New Years for example. It’s unbelievable now how one recharge would last me a month easily. A missed call from home meant I must show up at the telephone at the guard desk. I wouldn’t pick Dad every day because it cost him his own money and left a sorely disappointed me after every *123#. The idea of instilling a sense of frugality as a consequence of such rationed actions, hasn’t unfortunately gone as planned. It has made some mentionable impact though. I marvel at my remarkable capacity to squeeze all that I want to say in the space of 160 characters provisioned per sms by our carriers. And by squeezing in I mean till the last drop. I’m not a happy person if an sms I send has space for few more characters and I can’t fit in anything sensible. It has been a lot of effort and practice with the girlfriend of two years, who I’m sure hasn’t noticed this penny-wise-ness yet. Never mind my dear. I hope we stay together long enough for you to completely realize how wickedly insane I could be.
So getting back to wishing people. Clearly these days most young people don’t make much sense of the act. Young on Orkut once, I used to walk around in a princely gait after I’d received 100-plus scraps on such occasions. It was nice to know that people cared, even if more than half had just remembered you because you happened to be on their list while they ventured to spread greetings serially. But it has all changed now. I made an exception this year. I tried to remember people I had not spoken to in the last six-months or year. At least one person was pleasantly surprised, while there were few ‘Thank you. Do I know you?’! I used to be this person once. I would just give, and expect no return. I don’t know when this changed. And I can’t say if the present liberal state of mind would stay.
Though I can confess I’ve been happier with life in general of late. I have been given/gifted a gorgeous Apple MacBook, the aluminum-cast one-piece object of a nerd’s desire. I got new blades for my razor, and suddenly day three after shaving has this sexy greenish stubble that has me drooling over myself. I have totaled Dad’s new car beyond 5000 kms. I watched Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi and Ghajini, both first day first shows, the first time in my life, and this being exactly the kind of thing(s) I say you must do with the one you love. Somehow being crazy together does bring two people really inseparably close. You can’t win with the mundaneness of life anyway, so some little cheer and fun and laughter with a special someone is all you ever ask for. G, the girlfriend so far in the post, has been with me this entire December (that must partially explain no posts in the last 31 days. I wasn’t thinking of anything else). Being with her, and some external influence in terms of ideas about where my life is going, and aging itself, made me realize how simple and materially uncomplicated I want my life to be. And I believe that is ultimately what we all ask for. It is rather unfortunate, and I really mean it, that most of my closest guy pals have been unlucky in love. So far that is to say. I know these guys will make some girls very lucky (however dumb that sounds), but it just hasn’t happened. They’re so ready to give and take love and get into relationships to take things ahead. Anyhow, I guess no one really gets it all. You gain some to lose some for a while.
I was also catching up with a friend from school after like six years. And one of the things she asked me after we had talked about the rest of the world and where all we and everyone we knew had been all this while for an hour, was if I still dressed the same as in school time! Something tells me I should have studied a little less in the 1990s, and looked a little more after myself. I knew most of the good girls, I mean pretty or intelligent or both or plain desperate, more than liked me. But they all just stopped shy of something. I think I now know how my seemingly lousy style of dressing up killed those sweet love stories that could have been.
One of the two wonderful things I have to look forward to this year is staying in Delhi at least for the next year, doing a job job. I’ll tell you more as things roll on.
My folks deserted me on yet another vacation to the North-East end of the year. Not that I regret not making the trip. I think at times I just miss spending more time with them. Me and my emotional baggage!
Anyway, I haven’t quite figured out how, if at all that is, I’d like to change things about my life this year. I began the year visiting a Sai Temple and later praying to Radha-Kishan, Sita-Ram, Ganeshji and Thakurji, something I’ve never done before. I did not ask to be made a better person. That kind of objectivity is too difficult for even the Gods to understand. I had specifics in mind this time. Perhaps this way it’s easier to work for changes. Perhaps I must stop here and not ward you all of for the whole of this year. Have a good one my friends.
November 19, 2008 § 2 Comments